For the Fallen

"They went with songs to the battle, they were young,
Straight of limb, true of eye, steady and aglow.
They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted;
They fell with their faces to the foe. 

 They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them." - Laurence Binyon

 

 

Good Influences

This last week I've been prepping for the PLACE exam with my study guide from inter-library loan.
Well, to be more accurate- on Monday I skimmed the book and took the practice test, on Tuesday I post-it noted it and devised a study guide to encompass the 5 weeks I have to prep, and on Wednesday I didn't do a damn thing related to studying because it was my birthday. I chose to watch "Teen Mom 2" on MTV.com (blame Jezebel for that, I don't have cable or a TV and was blissfully unaware of that show until I read an article about it on that site) while eating pizza and drinking Cherry Coke. But I digress...

Today was my first actual day of studying. The test covers 22 competencies, and since I have 5 weeks I decided that I would work through the book twice by doing 1-11 in Week 1, 12-22 in Week 2, and repeating the same schedule for Weeks 3 and 4. Week 5 will be devoted to reviewing anything I need extra prep on. So tonight I sat down to knock out competencies 1-5 (I plan to do 6-11 tomorrow so that my birthday weekend can be entirely devoted to fun). The first 5 competencies are the most dense, covering basic literary terms, historical experiences that inform writers' work, and separate competencies in British and World Lit, American Lit, and Young Adult Lit and Childhood Development. It has been a good decade since I reviewed things like periods and movements in literature, and timelines of literary works, etc. So it was an immense relief to me to realize that I had read about 90% of the books referenced in each period/movement. The study guide would be talking about Romanticism, and oh look, every.single.book. they used as an example is a book I have read. And I remembered the authors, and other books they had written that were not referenced. Having such vivid memories of reading those books really helps solidify the peripheral info of dates and places and history.

It made me really, really grateful for being well read. Lest you think that is obscenely egotistical, let me clarify- I'm grateful that a love of reading was instilled in me. I'm grateful that my parents bought me books and put up with my C's in conduct in elementary school because I would read when I "wasn't supposed to". Side note- um, what was my teacher thinking?? I got C's in conduct for reading when I "wasn't supposed to"?? I'm grateful to my 3rd grade teacher Mrs. Cunningham for encouraging me to write stories and for letting me borrow her books. I'm grateful to my 5th grade teacher Mr. Parks, who let me totally ignore him in the back of the room when I would finish my work quickly and then read books while he lectured. And I'm exceptionally, over the moon grateful to Mrs. Clement. She was my English and Spanish teacher all through high school. She pushed me to read classics by refusing to give out A's on book reports unless they were over classics. She helped me study for competitions in Literary Criticism for U.I.L., and was proud of me when I competed at State both years I participated. She let all of us students ramble about our lives and complain about our frustrations in class, and she somehow had the perfect balance of free form conversational time and get down to business you WILL LEARN PROPER GRAMMAR seriousness.

I'm infinitely less stressed about this test now than I was before. But for now, it's bed time. And I want to get some reading in before I drift off to sleep.

Well, wait, one last thing. Speaking of sleep, the study guide referenced one of my all time favorite short stories, The Circular Ruins by Jorge Luis Borges. Here's one of my favorite quotes:

"He dreamed that it was warm, secret, about the size of a clenched fist, and of a garnet color within the penumbra of a human body as yet without face or sex; during fourteen lucid nights he dreampt of it with meticulous love. Every night he perceived it more clearly. He did not touch it; he only permitted himself to witness it, to observe it, and occasionally to rectify it with a glance. He perceived it and lived it from all angles and distances. On the fourteenth night he lightly touched the pulmonary artery with his index finger, then the whole heart, outside and inside. He was satisfied with the examination. He deliberately did not dream for a night; he took up the heart again, invoked the name of a planet, and undertook the vision of another of the principle organs. Within a year he had come to the skeleton and the eyelids. The innumerable hair was perhaps the most difficult task. He dreamed an entire man--a young man, but who did not sit up or talk, who was unable to open his eyes. Night after night, the man dreamt him asleep."

Ups and Downs

Last week on Facebook, this was my status after a particularly hard couple of days-

"I'm having one of those weeks where I'm incredibly beaten down about all the things I care about, and try to fight for and work for and be educated about and vote in favor of. It all seems like trying to push water uphill with my hands lately. I'm so tired and frustrated. I feel like none of it matters, or is making a difference. The news made me cry yesterday and today. Blech."

It's hard to stay motivated sometimes when you're deeply involved in so many activist circles. I feel defeated, and useless, and so very, very small in the face of all the injustice I see in the world. I read the news every day for about an hour, from all over the world, I try to stay informed, I vote, I register others to vote and volunteer with political campaigns, I volunteer with organizations I support, and I try to be educated on a variety of issues. A lot of times, it feels awesome. Standing in the middle of a throng of people on election night, and counting down to victory, and being so happy that all of my hard work for the previous year and a half had mattered, that felt good. Getting e-mail updates from various organizations I support, saying that this bill or that bill passed, or that this boycott or that boycott worked, that feels good. Knowing that someone I registered voted for the first time, or someone I talked to got fired up to get involved in an issue- awesome.

But other days, and sometimes weeks, when the news is disgusting and there are setbacks and I have bad encounters with people or no one seems to know or care about a huge problem that was on every news website, I get so discouraged. And you know, I'm more discouraged by the lazy apathy than I am by the passionate hate, or the strong resistance. At least when someone is resisting something they have made a choice, they're involved in shaping the world around them. I can, strangely, respect a vigorous and outspoken opponent infinitely more than I can an apathetic and ignorant bystander.

When I'm feeling down, and needing an up, I try and put things into perspective. For example, I think about the fact that the women's suffrage moment officially started in 1848, but we didn't get the vote until 1920- 70 years of struggle. I also have a collection of quotes I've come across over the years that makes me feel better. Motivated. I think this is one of my all time favorites-

“Once social change begins, it cannot be reversed. You cannot uneducate the person who has learned to read. You cannot humiliate the person who feels pride. You cannot oppress the people who are not afraid anymore. We have seen the future, and the future is ours.”- C. Chavez

Predictions are Pointless

I think almost any question about life- what should I do? where should I go? why pick this over that, or do this other thing? if I obsess enough, will I come to the perfect right answer? can be brushed aside with the following quote-

"...nothing in the world can one imagine beforehand, not the least thing. Everything is made up of so many unique particulars that cannot be foreseen." - Rainer Maria Rilke

Rainer, if you weren't dead, I'd give you a kiss for how perfectly you build a sentence and weave a thought through it. But I'm already in love with one dead poet (what's up Walt? still singing songs about yourself? cool, cool) so I guess I'll just say, yeah. You're right on with this one Rainer, like always.

To Clarify

The Golden Rule is:

"Treat others as you would like to be treated"

That's it. It's not a magic spell that unlocks reciprocal goodwill in others. In fact, there are many, many, many, many times when you can Golden Rule all over the place, and people still treat you very, very badly. But that's none of your business. What is your business? Let's review:

"Treat others as you would like to be treated"

That's all you can do kittens. It's the only way that feels right. Spite, revenge, hatred- none of those feel as good as knowing that you have shown others the love and respect you would appreciate. And when they don't show it back, they probably need love and respect even more than you could ever know.

A Captive Bird

First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

The first time ever I saw your face

I thought the sun rose in your eyes

And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave

To the dark and the empty skies, my love,

To the dark and the empty skies.

The first time ever I kissed your mouth

And felt your heart beat close to mine

Like the trembling heart of a captive bird

That was there at my command, my love

That was there at my command.

And the first time ever I lay with you

I felt your heart so close to mine

And I knew our joy would fill the earth

And last till the end of time my love

It would last till the end of time my love

The first time ever I saw your face, your face, your face, your face

This is one of my favorite songs, originally performed by Roberta Flack. Do yourself a favor and listen to it. You're welcome :)

Happy Valentine's Day kittens. Do good things.

Traveling Companion

The feeling remains that God is on the journey, too. ~Teresa of Avila

Purpose

If I can stop one heart from breaking,I shall not live in vain:

If I can ease one life the aching,

Or cool one pain,

Or help one fainting robin

Unto his nest again,

I shall not live in vain.

Oh, Emily Dickinson. You're true. We get so caught up in grand sweeping plans that we overlook the simple ways we can live a meaningful life that uplifts others. Service to one another is really the heart of happiness.

By love serve one another- Gal. 5:13