My Man Francis

Maybe I am a doormat. But I just can't hold a grudge. It slips through my fingers like sand. It's like trying to sculpt something out of a bucket of water. Even when I really, really focus, I just *can't*.

All of those people, if they called me up and said "I need you" could be sure that I would just ask where, what, how soon?

I'm ok with that. I'd rather be that person than the one clinging to grudges. Life's too short. We don't know how long we'll have each other. I just don't have the time or energy to play that way. Why waste that time?

Maybe I'm wrong. I don't think so though.

My grandmother was Catholic, I'm certainly not, but I've always loved this poem. Kind of sums up my entire philosophy on life, and love, and how to treat one another. As far as such summations go, I would venture to say one could do worse. The italicized part is my favorite.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.


O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life

G'night kittens

Thanks Ethics Class, I still Think About You

It's difficult for me to understand those who think that life is a zero sum game. Either I win and you lose, or you lose and I win. Everything has a neat little answer. Everything is either right or wrong, no exceptions. There are hard and fast rules, that are consistent in every situation, no matter what.

One thing I've learned, in my admittedly short 26 years here, is that things are rarely, if ever that simple. It makes it easier to believe that things are that simple, because then life is way less scary- you have all the answers, congratulations! To me, this blanket absolutist ethical framework is quite scary- it allows for no evaluation of individual circumstance, of exceptions. And this is where people will say, hey, for some things, it *is* right or wrong, yes or no- when it comes to killing people, stealing, or lying they say.

But actually, sorry, guys, even then not really- we sanction killing in all kinds of ways. I know people who think war is a crime. People who think it's necessary, and not even killing. People who think it's ok to kill someone if they're stealing your T.V., people who are against the death penalty in all cases. People who think abortion is always murder, sometimes murder, maybe not murder, not murder at all. Most people would say that they would steal money if they had to buy food to feed their starving children, or just cut to the chase and shoplift it. Or back to murder, most say they'd kill someone to protect their children. If they were cold and homeless, they might sleep in places they weren't supposed to, maybe break into an abandoned building, perhaps start illegal fires to keep warm. There is a classical ethical dilemma exercise in so many intro to psychology classes, the plight of the poor man who can either steal the medicine he can't afford, or watch his lovely wife die. People are consistently split on that one. Or, ok, honesty. Really, are any of us *completely* honest? Do we tell our friends they need to lose weight? When our grandmother works hours making a sweater that we will never, ever wear, do we look into her beaming face on Christmas morning and tell her as much?

Even our hard and fast rules have little bends and loopholes in them. And hard and fast rules vary wildly across cultures, countries, and social classes. Acting like this isn't true doesn't make that fact go away. But acting like it isn't true does have a benefit- it allows us to judge others for not following our own interpretations and applications of hard and fast rules, or to be unable to understand the specifics that led them to slip into a gray area. I guess, for some people, that's convenient, safe, predictable. To me it's just judgmental and shortsighted. But that's just me. And some people would say that my view is judgmental and shortsighted. And that's ok, since I don't believe in hard and fast rules ;)

Boys and Girls

Summer, you are everything I hoped you'd be and more. Thanks for all the opportunities and good times you've thrown my way so far. Let's keep it up :)

I think Regina says it best:



"It's been a long time since before I've been touched
Now I'm getting touched all of the time
And it's only a matter of whom, and it's only a matter of when
An addiction to hands and feet, there's a meat market down the street..."

Worn Out

So these are my old shoes. I got them in October of '06. I had been home from Japan for a month and a half. I'd driven all over the western United States with Mel, and she'd come home to Dallas on that trip. We were both living with Marti and Dad. We were unemployed. I had begun to receive some arduous communications. We were kind of depressed, the two of us ladies. And my shoes were full of holes from walking all over Japan. And Mel had no sweaters, as she had lived in California for the previous 6 months. So Marti took us out, and got us shoes and sweaters, respectively. I wear my Cons 355 days out of the year, so considering it's been three years of such abuse, these look pretty good. But Marti told me that once more she was going to buy me shoes without holes...

So here they are. Shiny. New. Way to bright way and dark black. I don't trust them. They're stiff as well. I just have to remind myself that what started off looking like this ^

Will eventually fade to the beautiful, comfy specimen you see on the right.

R.I.P. my darlings. You've been good to me.

Merely Indeed Mr. Wooden

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are."

John Wooden

Date Night

Hi there! Remember me?The girl who did nothing but finals and work for three straight weeks, interspersed with fast food runs and brief spells of fitful sleep, often in clothes worn on repeat? Well if you didn't believe me the proof is all over my bedroom, and spilling out of my closets. It's all over my car, and in the trunk and in the floorboards. It's in my bathroom, primarily colonizing the sink/toilet/bathtub. It's in my overflowing laundry baskets. It's in the stack of mail that is a good 4 inches thick, waterfalling over the edge of my desk and pooling in a papery puddle next to the shredder covered in dust- yes, I was that busy. So, my apartment and I have a Friday night date- I'll be wearing my 1950's housewife getup, but I'll skip the Valium. Gotta bring my A game to this mess.

Have a good weekend kittens. I'll catch up with you on Saturday.

Question

Ok, so I was joking about getting drunk and engaging in unwholesome proclivities for drugs with bums....

but...

after that 7-Up, I really needed to use the restroom. So I sauntered over to the portable toilets. But guys, it was dark. And there were no lights. Which meant that the DMA would have been forcing me to lift up my skirt and sit over a hole in a dirty port-a-potty in the pitch black. I tried, really I did, but when i shut the door I could see nothing, and even though it's not *technically* a drain, more like a huge receptacle beneath the seat, I started having flashbacks to "It" (the book, which I read in the 4th grade, thanks parents, not the movie). I couldn't do it. I'll wait to get home.

So, we walk back to the train and I suddenly realize there is no way I can make it home. And of course because downtown is filled with bums none of the businesses have public restrooms. I scanned frantically, and saw a big landscaped area of trees and bushy grass. Walking around for further inspection I saw two small but deep fountains behind it that had been drained. After walking back to the platform, I could see that none of this propitious situation was visible to the street.

Now don't judge me for this next part. I'm pretty sure you know where this story is going anyway, but in the interest of being coy I'll couch the following in hypotheticals. But it's all true.

I may or may not have then enlisted Jennifer to be my lookout. I possibly then crawled into said drained fountain. At that point I may or may not have given one last furtive glance for onlookers before nonchalantly squatting down and peeing while pretending to be having a totally casual conversation that I just happened to want to have while crouching in a dark and empty fountain. Jennifer may have then offered a sheet of the Dallas Observer to assist me at the end, but I refused. This could have been on the grounds that I didn't want to litter, but I also didn't want to carry a crumpled up piece of newsprint covered in my urine to the trash. It was a classic ethical dilemma- the former would have filled me with guilt, the latter was just gross. So I sacrificed. I did a little shake, adjusted my clothes, and hopped out of the fountain like nothing had happened.

So, to the question. If a security camera catches me urinating in a public fountain downtown, can I be charged with something?